PhilosoPost

Parenting, like any other human activity, is undergirded by philosophical underpinnings. In order to help readers understand some of what guides me in my parenting, on a deeper level, I figured a few words about these principles would be helpful for some. For the philosophically inclined, it might also help you sketch out areas in which my suggestions clash with what you feel is right.

Fairness

I believe fairness means different things in different settings. For example, Capitalism and Socialism argue about what fairness means in the public and political domain – is it equal opportunity, or equal outcomes, that are the ideal? And how do we measure “opportunity” or “outcomes”? These are fascinating questions for discussion – but not in this blog.

In the family setting, I believe that fairness means parents give hypothetical equal treatment to their kids. What do I mean by that? They need to be able to say that “If Jack was in the same position as Jill, and the opportunities at hand were the same, then I would do the same for Jack that I’m doing for Jill”.

I use the prefix “hypothetical” because when it comes to important stuff, kids are rarely in the same position as one another. Different kids need different things at different times. Jack might need a soft, encouraging nudge to do his homework, while Jill thrives on being challenged and told “let’s see if you can finish your homework in ten minutes”. Don’t confuse “I acted the same” with equal treatment.

Also, over time the opportunities at your disposal might change. Perhaps your first kid had to go to public school because you had no money – that does not mean you cannot send your third kid to a private school years later when your fortunes have changed. As long as you can state with conviction that you would have done the same for your first child if you had the same options back then, that’s fair behavior.