The movie “The Last Castle” tells the story of an army prison, and how a disgraced general joins the ranks of the prisoners only to lift their spirits and bring them to believe in themselves and their honor again. In the very first words spoken by the hero, played by Robert Redford, I found a deep pearl of wisdom that has popped up in all sorts of parenting scenarios. He starts by talking about the properties of castles, and ends his monologue with the statement:
“The only difference between this castle and all the rest is that they were built to keep people out. This castle is built to keep people in.”
The Last Castle, opening monologue
He’s right, of course. A strong, impenetrable wall is a barrier that works both ways: it makes it harder to move between the inside and the out. When what you want is freedom of movement and flexibility, it’s a hassle to have all that brick and concrete limiting you. When what you need is stability and protection from the chaotic outside, you’re quite happy that the barbarians are held at bay by your strong gates.
Next, I’d like to share two angles where this insight meets me as a parent.
Liberal Kid, Conservative Kid
Kids come in all flavors, and one of those flavors is the Liberal/Conservative spectrum. To be clear, I’m not talking politics here – I’m talking temperament and sensitivities. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my two daughters are quite different than one another – while Abigail is a true free spirit that hates rules and limitations, Kacey seeks order and structure to help her organize her space, day and thoughts. In other words, Abigail leans Liberal, Kacey – Conservative.
Good Parenting is not one-size-fits-all. You tailor it to the kid. As such, I’ve had opposing conversations with each of my daughters. Abigail will tend to rebel against any attempt to impose a structure on her day, which makes studying for tests and attending classes a challenge for her. When we talk about this, I tell her – “Remember, it’s not just a prison, it’s also a castle. Studying regularly, doing homework etc. all make sure you come ready to your exams and do well at school”. I remind her of the times that she ignored all those structures and ended up studying breathlessly the night before, skipping TV and fuming all the way to bed.
And with Kacey – the opposite. I’ll talk to her about the importance of flexibility, of lowering barriers to change and experimentation. Her tendency is to be cautious socially and intellectually, and she needs lots of encouragement to remember it’s ok to venture outside your safety, it’s ok to take risks and fall and figure things out along the way. It’s ok to experiment with something new – it does not mean you’re married to it for life. “Every Castle can also be a Prison”.
Talking, even with such a nice analogy, does not always do the trick for them, of course. But having a framework to present the idea; having a catchy image to embed in their thoughts; and showing them how their polar opposite struggles with the opposite aspects so they don’t feel like I’m criticizing their default mode of being – all these are useful when trying to help them work outside their comfort zone.
Parents – open the Gates but maintain those Walls
Another angle in which I find myself thinking about this mantra is when I consider the need of parents to lower their guard and let their kids brush up against the world outside. As I mentioned in a previous post about censorship, all the walls we erect cannot prevent out kids from growing up, and so we know that eventually they will leave the nest and need to venture outside the castle we built. So, the logical thing is to make sure our kids have early exposure to the world outside, and maybe they should even have some time alone out there, with us just watching from the battlements but not interfering.
At the same time, we should not delude ourselves that they don’t need these walls. Some parents seem to think that structure and order are just a form of tyranny imposed on their kids with no utility. They worry that any external imposition will prevent their child from reaching their maximal potential. But in truth, there is a large body of research that shows that in order for a child to be able to flourish, they have to have something stable and reliable to use as the skeleton of their life. Some need more, some need less – but we all need some constants to be able to stand on as we reach for the stars.
In more practical terms – think of all those apps that are designed to do one thing: distract your child for as long as possible from doing anything productive. These apps work on neurological pathways in our brains, and our kids are defenseless against them, especially when they are very young with little impulse control. No matter how Liberal you are, as a responsible parent you will set limits to how much time these games can take up. Same with unhealthy foods, smoking, etc.
So yeah, the mantra of this post holds for us parents too. We need to strike the right balance in our style, in a way that matches our kids style. It’s not easy, to state the obvious, and we will never be perfect at it.
But hey, this post is not for the Perfect Parents, but for those who want to be “Good Enough”. So, let’s do our best as we muddle through this challenge, eh?
GoodEnoughParenting 