How to handle a Living Room Dance

I hope you dance?

It happens all the time: Abby will sit or stand somewhere and belt out, singing a song that popped into her head. Or perhaps she’s in the mood to dance, spinning around or lifting her legs in impossible angles and to impossible heights. It’s really fun for me to watch when that happens, fun to see her express herself, feeling safe and comfortable to be herself in her home.

That fun of watching her does not always last very long, though, if she happened to decide to do this in the living room, and one of the older two is around. It’s “Extrovert vs. Introvert”, ladies and gentlemen. And this time… it’s personal! (OK, that does not have anything to with this, but I’ve always liked that phrase.)

“Abby, can you please not sing so loud? I’m trying to read!” Ray might say. Or perhaps it’s Kacey that’s sitting on the couch with her phone when Abby’s foot flashes several inches from her face in a creative dance move. “Abby, enough! That’s dangerous and annoying!” Sometimes there will be greater distance separating her from the others, but even from this larger distance, the unlimited freedom that Abby takes in her activity will feel overcrowding to her older siblings.

Abby will frown and puff out air in frustration. “But where am I supposed to dance?” she cries.

“How about on the porch?” Kacey will suggest.

“There is too much mess there,” Abby will say, and then retort, “why don’t you go to your room to read your phone messages?”

“Well I was here first,” Kacey responds, and so the argument continues, each vying for the upper moral ground so they can keep on doing their own thing just like they like it.

If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you might have figured out by now that I am drawn to solving this type of dynamic like a bug is to blue light lamps: I’m compelled to trying to solve it on a systemic level. Both because I simply hate watching pointless arguments that are not handled constructively, and because I love finding a policy that captures, to my mind, a perfect combo of practicality and morality.

Public vs. Private Spaces

Let me give you the “what” and “how” first, and then delve into the “why”.

Rule #1: Public spaces are for everyone to use as they please. If what one person is doing in a public space bothers you, you can go to another room, for example your own private room.

Rule #2: If what you are doing in the public place cannot be moved elsewhere, then the person doing the activity that is bothering others needs to tone it down or stop until the situation changes.

Let’s go back to the example I started with. Since everyone was in the living room, that means that Abby should be able to dance her heart out or sing at the top of her lungs. If this bothers anyone, they can go to their rooms and get their desired quiet time behind closed doors.

However, Rule #2 will kick in if Ray is busy playing on the PlayStation which is only present in the living room. Or, say, if the loud singing is bothering Kacey as she busies herself in the kitchen, cooking dinner. In these cases, we cannot just tell Ray or Kacey to move to another room. When that’s the case, everyone needs to be more considerate of the other people in the room, even though the room is dubbed a public space.

Let’s talk about Why

When I say that everyone needs to be more considerate, I mean everyone. This is an important nuance that should be made. If Ray cannot move the PlayStation, he can indeed expect Abby not to sing at the top of her lungs in his vicinity. But at the same time, he needs to be more flexible and less sensitive with her singing. Just because he is playing on the PlayStation, does not mean that he can now decide that Abby cannot, say, hum something to herself.

This is where we get a bit into the “why” behind the rules above. In order us, our family, to be able to live together in relative harmony, we need to respect one another’s needs and feelings. Introverts like Ray and Kacey need quiet and calm, while extroverts like Abby and Max need dynamism and freedom. These two tendencies clash often, and we, as parents, should probably not prioritize one personality type over another.

Our jobs, as parents, are to function as a proxy to the real world, and sibling arguments are a great place to prepare them for the real world. In the real world, your kids will not be able to demand that everyone bow to their own expectations and needs. They need to know how to handle themselves when facing people that behave differently and perhaps even make them uncomfortable. At the same time, they need to know that their own needs and character are important as well.

The system above tries to capture this. Private rooms are where you go when you just want to be yourself and not have to worry about what others need or think. If you share a room, you can leave and go for a walk outside, or perhaps check if your parents room is available for some time alone (the beds there are usually much more comfy as well!)

Public spaces, on the other hand, are where you meet – the Public! This is where you need to be able to tolerate other people with all their quirks and mannerisms, and also make concessions towards them. This is where you negotiate the boundaries between how you behave and how they behave. Like all negotiations, you will need to give some in order to gain some.

Surprise! Two more rules

Yes, there are more!

Rule #3: If you are about to start something in the public space that will effectively force people to leave, you need to check with them first.

I mean, if all the family is in the living room reading on the couch, when suddenly Max decides it’s time to jump on the couch over peoples heads, he cannot just decide to force everyone to move right now. He will have to negotiate, to see when people can move comfortably elsewhere.

However, when you think of it – trying to frame it all in the form of a few rules was probably quite silly of me. No set of rules can really capture all of human dynamic! The deeper message here, which actually relates to all these interactions, is this:

Rule #0: Teach empathy, the rest will follow.

If you (and your kids) have empathy and show sympathy towards others, towards their needs and perspective, then these “others” – your siblings, friends and strangers on the street – will show it back to you.

That’s where true harmony comes from.