Preach vs. Practice

Confession time: Our house is almost always a huge mess.

My kids leave stuff around the house all the time, and forget to put it away. Same goes for their rooms. As a result, lots of annoying stuff happens – people can’t find toys or books, cloths get stepped on and possessions are crushed and broken.

So, every few days or so – either someone gets fed up with the feeling of living in the aftermath of a tornado, or on Fridays before Shabbat – we have a major cleanup in the house. By the end of this family effort the entire house is tidy, the “carpet” of crumpled clothes and open books finds its way to the hamper and bookcases, and we get to see the floor again!

Wait – did I say the entire house is clean? Umm, well, no. There is one room that remains more or less the same – the parents room. Yep, it’s true. My kids are messy in their own right – much messier, in fact. But I cannot claim that we set a perfect example for orderliness. I have a jumble of clothes on (and off) my bed, and Michelle arrays like ten pairs of shoes for all possible weathers beside hers. As for the junk that finds its way under my bed – lets not go there, shall we?

However, that does not stop us from lecturing the kids about keeping their mess in check. Every so often, one of them will comment about the apparent hypocrisy, and that’s when I take out my parental catchphrase, coined for such scenarios exactly: “I’m the father – I make the rules, and I (can) break the rules”.

If there is a parenting expert reading this, he might shudder to read such a phrase. We all know how annoying it can be to hear a parent say “do as I say, not as I do”. We all deride politicians who don’t practice what they preach. How could I, the self-proclaimed good-enough-parent, believe that it’s ok to not set a good, solid example for my kids about how to behave?

Practice vs. Preach

Let me take a methodological step back. Clearly, if you follow the rules you set out for your kids yourself, you will have an easier time getting them to follow them as well. We do this too, whenever possible. Giving a good example is a great way to get people on board with you – not just as a parent, but also as a mentor, leader, etc.

However, it’s pretty clear that at times you and your kids will need to have separate sets of rules. They will have an earlier bedtime than you. They will have a curfew after which they must be home from social events. There will be certain movies that are “not for their age,” and so on – lots of things that will only apply to them (and, in fact, might apply differently for kids of different ages).

The person setting those rules is you, not them, for a simple but deep reason. The rules that you set for them are not there because those are the rules for all humanity at all times, but because it’s your job to raise them well and healthy. You want them to get enough rest so that they develop healthily and function well the next day at school. You limit which shows they watch so that their exposure to different aspects of reality matches their psychological maturity, etc.

The success of your job as a parent is measured sometimes years later, when they leave the house, go out on dates, find their first job and emerge into the world to chase their dreams. That’s a very long time in the future – a perspective that they, as kids, do not have. Meaning, while they might know their own needs and desires better than anyone, they don’t have the tools to judge the impact of their decisions today on that future. Don’t believe me? Just think of the last time one of them overreacted over something minor. Their sense of scale is off, because they don’t yet have what you have: experience.

Honesty Rules

Let’s get back to our messy room. We don’t let our room stay messy because we’re hypocrites. It’s not because Michelle and I are lazy or not fully aligned with the ideal of a clean space to live in. We love the feeling of a clean room, and happy to invest time in it. What happens here always is that we prioritize the public spaces and the kids areas first because those are the most important ones – where stuff gets lost most often. We know that when things go wrong there, they will come to us to help pick up the pieces – literally and figuratively. So when the entire cleanup effort is over, we don’t usually have the energy to clean our room as well, especially when It’s like five seconds before the weekend…

Now, we could have given in to the voice inside us that feels guilty about this, and not force our kids to clean either. However, that would be a betrayal of our roles as parents. Like a smoker who cannot quit that still wards others away from smoking, we too must ensure our kids know that keeping their rooms clean and their possessions safe is something important, even if we cannot live up to this ideal fully with our current hectic lives.

So, instead of giving in when they complain, I explain to my kids that it’s been a long week and I’m exhausted, something they will only understand completely when they are older and parents. I will clean up when I have the energy, I say, because it’s important. It’s just not feasible for me to do right now.

There is a price to pay for this “do as I say” mode, for sure. But I’ve found that in the long run, from my experience, these instances have positive effects as well.

When your kids ask that question, it gives you an opening to explain your logic in the rule. “Diet Coke is not dangerous, kiddo, it’s just not safe till your older.” “When you show me you can get up for school in the morning, I’ll let you stay up later.” “Cleaning up is important, but know when to take a break from it after a stressful week”. These questions and answers actually build trust with your kids, showing them that you are not capricious in your rule-breaking, but that you have a reason for these behaviors. It will also show them how to balance conflicting needs and ideals – something that will serve them well as they grow up.

It will also free you up, to act naturally around them, without needing to hide your “infractions” from them. Of course, for that to happen you need to be honest with them about your reasons. Being honest pays off in the long run, but it has it’s drawbacks 😉

I mean, eventually they will catch you at the places where you are inconsistent (as we all are. Human nature, you know). At that point you will have to bow your head and say – “you’re right”, and either change your behavior, change your expectations from them, or find a third path. But even this moment is a true blessing – when it happens, you will know that your kids have matured enough to actually be able to teach you something as well.