How to fight, and do it right

Before I begin, let me say a few words: This is not a post about teaching your kids how to handle a school bully. This is about showing them how to fight with their siblings – in a constructive way.

Now that I’ve said those few words, I think we can start the post in earnest!

A Fight About Nothing

When I was a teenager, there would always be a part in the books I read that would frustrate me. It was when the main characters would fight with one another, causing a rift in the band of heroes, placing their mission to kill the dragon at risk (yes, you caught me – I was and still am a fantasy fan). When I would read those scenes I’d feel so frustrated, since most of the time the rift in the gang was caused by the two characters not talking to each other.

It seemed so ridiculous to me. So much pain and suffering could have been avoided in these books if people would just be more candid and open with one another. Sure, they might have different opinions, and different ways of looking at the world, but if they just gave the other the benefit of the doubt, and tried to see the other point of view, perhaps they could have gotten the best of both worlds, of both positions.

Turns out, though, that many of us fail at communication. Relationship twists and turns in stories are not the stuff of fantasy – they happen all the time, every day. People see the world differently, and want different things (in part due to seeing the world differently), but don’t take the trouble to hash these points out. Not a surprise that they end up with arguments and fights over silly things.

Goodbye Relaxation

If seeing this dynamic in a show or a book annoys me, there is little that can top the frustration of seeing my kids fighting. For starters, it takes me away from the important/interesting/fun/relaxing thing I was doing before the fight started. Even if I don’t intervene, it’s hard to relax or focus when my kids are shouting at one another. Additionally, I can usually see pretty quickly that the fight is all about nothing important – the kids are making a big deal out of nothing, and many times it’s just that someone is having a bad day and taking it out on their surroundings.

So now my relaxing time is ruined and for no important reason, my mind goes. After taking a deep breath, I decide what to do next. Sometimes I just let them fight it out themselves. Sometimes I’ll get involved and shut the argument down de-facto, one way or the other. There is a time and place for each of these.

But when I can sense that the argument goes deeper then usual, and when I have the time, I go for the deeper approach, with proven long term dividends, at least in our family.

It’s a two-step process, which helps resolve the fight in such a way that both sides feel heard and understood, not only by their parent(s) but also by the sibling(s) they were fighting with. It also helps prevent future arguments about the same thing. Its only drawback is that it takes time and focus – this is for when you have the emotional space to give your kids your full attention.

Interested? You’re in luck! The rest of this post is exactly about this approach. I’d like to take the opportunity here to thank my mother, from whom I learned the basic components of this method, back when I was a kid.

How to Resolve Fights – The Right Way

Let’s take an example from my family. Imagine our virtual boxing ring:

In the left corner, we have Kacey. Kacey is an introvert, who cares about her privacy and protects it diligently (one of her favorite features in her phone browser is the “fire” button that erases all her browsing history). In the right corner, we have Abby, the unabashed extrovert, who loves to share her thoughts with random strangers (sometimes) and looks up to her older sister (also sometimes). The two of them share a room.

Next, the conflict: One day, Kacey walked into their room to get something and overheard Abby talking on the phone with one of her friends. “…my sister Kacey really likes playing the guitar, and is working on a song by Billy Joel…”.

“Hey! Abby, that’s private!” Kacey exclaimed. “Don’t talk about me to your friends!”

“What? What did I do? I was just talking about playing guitar, what’s the big deal?!”

From here on, the fight just escalated – until I arrived. I could see from a mile away that they were just blind to each other’s needs and character. Super-Dad to the rescue!

Step 1: Tell your side, listen to the other side

I took the two of them into my room (neutral territory), sat on the bed and got comfortable – this might take a while.

“OK, let’s do this. You know the drill. Kacey, you want to start? Please tell me what happened in your own words.”

The rule is that while Kacey gives her account, Abby has to stay quiet. She might completely disagree with the way Kacey tells the story, but those are the rules, and no exceptions. When Kacey is done, Abby gets her turn. She tells the story as she saw it, with Kacey listening, silent as well.

This phase has only one more guideline: Start sentences with “I”, not “You”.

Why? Well, if Kacey says “You ignore my privacy”, that’s an accusation, which implies also that she can read Abby’s mind – Abby’s intention and feelings. Kacey might be totally wrong, and just aggravate her sister. On the other hand, if Kacey says “I feel you ignore my privacy”, that is a statement about her own feelings, which is something she knows everything about, that Abby cannot argue with.

Thus, on a deep level, this slight modification changes the discussion from an argument about reality to a sharing of feelings about reality. It’s quite amazing how this one rule is both hard for kids to do (you will need to guide them in this at first), and very impactful on the conversation, making it calmer.

Step 2: Explain in your words how the other side feels

After both girls told their side, I said to Abby, “Abby, did you hear what Kacey said? Do you understand how she felt when she heard you telling about her guitar playing?”

“Yes,” she replies, looking down, her hair covering her eyes.

“OK. So, can you please explain that to me in your own words?” I say.

This is the best part! 🙂

Abby needs to show that she understood Kacey. It’s not fun to do this, because it forces her to process that there is another side to the story. It’s also super effective because of that same reason. In order to be able to explain Kacey’s feelings, Abby has to accept the fact that there is another side. For Kacey, this means she gets validation that she was heard.

After Abby gave her “pitch”, I asked Kacey, “Does that reflect how you felt? Do you feel that Abby understands you?” In this case, she did, but it’s here that Kacey can clarify something that Abby didn’t understand. We repeat this until they are in agreement about what Kacey shared.

I hope by now you realize this might get pretty emotional and deep for everyone involved. Sometimes you stumble across something under the surface that was bugging one of them that you were not even aware of, which will require untangling (possibly in private). But hey – I warned you it might take a while!

Then, of course, we flipped sides. Now Kacey had to explain how Abby felt, and explain it back to her until they agree.

When this is done, the main “emotional landmines” have been deactivated. Why? Each side can see the other side clearly and understand how they see the world, as strange or different as it may be from their own perspective. At the same time, their own emotional side is on equal footing as well. Whatever happens next, they have been heard.

Finishing up: Next Steps

If you’ve reached this point, all that’s left is the “easy” part – the technical, practical compromise. Sometimes there is a clear path for both to be happy, sometimes you will conclude that one side is more right than the other – the results differ depending on the scenario.

In my case, it went something like this:

“Kacey – you cannot control everything your sister says. Things happen in the house that are not a secret and are part of her life as well. You cannot stop her from mentioning anything you say or do.”

“However, Abby – since you know that Kacey really cares about her privacy, and since you want her to share stuff with you, it would be best that you show her that you respect this privacy. So don’t share things like this in the future before telling Kacey about it.”

As they get older, you can of course push this one up a notch, and let them suggest compromises, with you in the room to moderate. And over the years, as they have done this with me and Michelle many times, we now sometimes catch them sitting in the yard, hashing out their own issues by themselves using these same tools.

All’s well that ends well

So that’s how we do it in the Rose family! It takes a while, but when it’s done, the two kids are usually in a good place, and I can go back to my reading/relaxing/etc., patting myself on the back for being an amazing father.

That is… if the conversation didn’t take up all my free time…

Being a parent is hard, man!